Have you ever looked forward to something in life, like anticipated it with every fiber of your being, and it did not pan out like you imagined it would? How much time did you spend running that scenario through your head? How much energy did you give your ‘perfect planned sequence of events’? How disappointed were you when it collapsed in on itself like a tired dandelion in a gale force wind?
But then, after ‘insert scenario here’ did not pan out exactly how you had rehearsed it inside your mind, the further you got down the road and put that specific failure into your rearview mirror, how often did you realize you ended up in a better present place than if things would have gone according to what you thought was the master plan?
Sometimes, letting go of certain devices gives you more mental control and self preservation.
Three months ago, I had a different mindset than the one I currently have and continue to carry on my weary shoulders. Me and my little tribe resided in a different state. I was working at an entirely different job. I thought I was going to be able to go in a specific direction that I thought was going to be beneficial for myself and a handful of others.
Control, control, control.
Then, what happened?
The plan dissolved in under three months. Limits were reached. Boundaries were crossed. Pieces crumbled away so they could be patched, over time of course and not just all at once, with substances greater than what currently existed.
Time does not heal wounds. Acceptance does not heal wounds. Distance does not heal wounds. But the strength that you, that God, that the Universe, that the Great Spirit gives your inner being heals all wounds. If you believe nothing of the such, then your inner self will gives you the salvation that you seek and eventually and hopefully leads to your personal redemption.
Failure is not failure unless you let it define you, and choosing distance over drama, peace of mind over disrespect, regardless of circumstance, is not a bad thing. If you have to cut people out of your life for your own well being and mental health – it’s okay. If you have to open the door to your cage and see if your wings can lift your tired soul into the sky – it’s okay. If you reach your breaking point and almost want to give up but you do not quit and persevere on your own time – it’s okay.
I had a master plan – it changed drastically – and here I am, back where I started.
I’m currently living in my home state and am, again, closer to my family and handful of trustworthy friends. I have secured a better job, the best once since I was self employed. I’m making new friends, a new circle, and feel welcomed in more ways than just one. My new coworkers and business owners appreciate me, my talent, and my experience. They are glad to have me working for them in my field of expertise and reward me in ways that are not just monetary.
As hard as it may be for me to wrap my head around this certain premise, my plan had to be dismantled and I had to be shown things in order for me to get away from myself, my ego, and start growing in the right sunlight, a source that could nourish my roots so I could thrive.
I had to help myself before I attempted to help anyone else.
Until that happens, a lot of things do become obsolete.
If anything I have gained from this experience of uprooting and going to a different state to work a job and take a leap of faith and leave everything that made me ‘me’ behind is the fact that it made me realize that I deserve self respect and deserve to not be treated as though I am invisible. It made me appreciate home more after not having that familiarity for the two months that this experience lasted even though we saw some very beautiful things on our journey.
It showed me that good people exist in places you’ve never been before, strangers that seem almost like family, and they are put there for a reason and should be appreciated for what they are – a blessing in disguise.
It showed me that I do not deserve to be treated like a floor mat for other people to brush their shoes on.
So, I did what I needed to do for my own mental health. I walked away, continued on with my journey, and ended up in a far better place, mentally and spiritually.
Time did not heal this. Acceptance did not heal this. Another wound did not heal it.
Personal strength did. Salvation from myself did. Separation from toxic and negative elements in my life did.
That quiet voice inside my soul was trying to tell me two things and I was trying my damnedest to not listen to it when it whispered,
“be still, my boy…”
All the things that compose this post hit me as I watched my wife, her dad, and my son play in the fallen leaves of a decent sized oak tree on his property. They were laughing, dragging their feet through the foliage, and being happy in the moment of this holiday season. Watching them made me feel young again and put me at peace. Watching them made me appreciate family and the harvest of life. Watching them made me appreciate my newly deconstructed frame of mind.
When I looked at the tree that was being stripped of it’s spring time glory, the world around me slowed its spin as each leaf slowly fell to the earth with the passing breeze. The fallen branches were picked up by two different sets of generations and used as drawing sticks in the surrounding dirt patches. During the humid, summer months, that tree had given a wide umbrella of shade and coolness and its fall shedding was being played in and admired for what it truly was.
A new beginning.
Hibernation before new growth begins yet again.
Another awesome memory for a future day that has yet to take place, as long as we use the present that is given to us now and not let it drift into the past, unused.
Some days, you stand in the shade of a big tree to cool off and get out of the heat of the blazing summer sun.
Other days, you stand in the once cursed light and not in the shade of the tree because you want to close your eyes, feel the heat, and warm up.
Life is no different when applied to these two scenarios, so why should I think otherwise?
It all boils down to four words.
The Harvest of Life.
FEEL FREE TO CHECK OUT MY NEW SHORT FILM
POSTS RELATING TO MY TWO SHORT FILMS I HAVE PUBLISHED THIS PAST YEAR
UNDER MY FILM BRAND – 3 Caslt3s Film
Upside Down, pt. 1 of 2
Inside Out, pt. 2 of 2