*silence*

“How can you just stand there and ignore what is happening between us? You don’t know what I’ve been going through!” I shout at her. “You, you, you, how could you do this to me?”

Numerous cars drive by on the city streets. A commercial plane passes overhead. She stands in front of me. She is at a loss for words. She is emotionless.

“I went to the ends of the world for you! I loved you like I loved no other woman! I trusted you! For what? For it to end like this? For you to just give up and walk away like I do not exist?”

*silence*

“Why did you leave me? Give me one good reason why you left me then I will understand! I will believe this nightmare! I will quit being angry at you! I will approach you in peace and understanding instead of like, like, like this!”

*silence*

“You owe me that!”

A couple of birds squawk at one another in a nearby tree.

“You created this! Not me! So don’t look at me like that!”

Car speakers thump a low bass. The wind lightly stirs the branches of the trees. The birds study our behavior. Everything is operating as normal except for my situation.

“So, you’re not going to say anything? You’re just going to let me hurt and not answer my questions?”

I disgust the sight of her.

“You know, when we first met, I never thought it would have come to this! If the ending was going to be like this, then I might be too honest by saying it would have been better if we had never met at all. You know? So these feelings would not exist between us.”

*silence*

I cross my arms and stamp my feet. She stares back at me, frozen like stone. I wait for a single tear to careen down her cold cheeks. I don’t recognize her anymore. I used to gaze at her for hours. Now, she is something foreign. I do not like feeling this way.

“You want me to feel vulnerable in this moment that you created? You want me to lose it? You want me to tell you what’s on my heart? You really want to know how I feel?”

*silence*

“Show some type of emotional response! Jesus!”

She does not defend herself to my line of questioning. I have grown used to this behavior over the past couple of weeks. I would accept a disgraceful excuse concerning her actions over this silence she throws back at me.

“I never loved another girl like I did you. Okay? Cliche as it may sound, it is the truth. Some people just spit out these lines to get whatever they want so go ahead and think arbitrarily of me. I know what my heart feels! I know because I have never been so broken.”

I shake my head at her.

“I see you everywhere I go, and you know it. Now, all I am to you is some hazy mirage, and it’s because you’ve already moved on, huh? By the looks of it, obviously!”

I kick the ground.

“Say something dammit! After all these years, I thought you would have more to give back to me other than this silence!”

I break eye contact with her. I feel unsettled for the way I have approached our past couple of meetings. I know she feels ashamed but how can I know what she feels if she will not communicate? Not being able to talk to the person you love is a deep reaching hurt that many have experienced.

“To just leave like you did, though. With no reason! With no goodbye! Just, boom – gone!”

I take one step toward her followed by two steps back.

“After everything we’ve shared? After everything I gave you? After everything you gave me?”

I look at her and want to be angry but I see how fragile she is. Tears build in the corners of my eyes. She knows I’m in pain but she does nothing.

*silence*

“We used to do everything together, and now it’s like I’m living with a ghost. I eat alone. I sleep alone. I shower alone. I try to laugh at comedic movies alone. I walk in the park alone. I order coffee for one. Take out pizza for one (which any Italian pie is meant to be shared with at least one person, dear). I hear a good song on the radio and look over at the passenger seat. It’s empty! Like my soul!”

*silence*

“But I don’t have to live like this, I hope you know. Sure don’t! There are options out there for someone like me! I’m not that bad of a guy despite my faults. There’s someone out there that would love me just as much as you do, if not more.”

I instantly regret making these hurtful, threatening statements to someone I used to hold so gently.

“The only option that makes sense in this life is for you to be my side! But you won’t! You’d rather abandon me now than fight for what brought us together.”

I want to shake the complacency out of her but I do not have the strength.

“Why can’t you fight? Huh? Coward!”

I want to walk up to her but I know she’ll freeze up. The birds, that were fussing in the nearby tree, scatter and fly off. A car horn honks. I look around and see a couple pedaling their bicycles. Joggers look over at us but quickly glance away. I should feel embarrassed but I do not. She continues to give me the cold shoulder.

“You want me to eat popcorn and watch a movie by myself? You want me to fall asleep alone on my side of the bed and let my arms and legs dangle over to your side? You want me to spend birthdays and holidays alone? You want me to explore this planet and road trip by myself? Is that what you really want?”

*silence*

“Where are my tickle fights? Where are my snuggling moments? Why can’t we still brush our teeth together and make funny faces at one another in the mirror? Why can’t you continue to wash my back and I wash yours? Why is it so wrong when your clothes combine with mine and I get to admire that while I do laundry? Why can’t we still wake up slow on Saturday mornings and cook a breakfast of champions?”

*silence*

“Where are my cold kisses? My campfire moments? Why can’t I continue to experience time standing still as we walk around in a department store and your hand finds mine and we clasp them together?”

A couple of tears fall down my cheek. She does not move a muscle. I feel angry for giving her my love. I feel embarrassed at my behavior. My fury overrides my shame. I want to slap one side of her face and kiss the other one at the same time.

“Who’s there to take care of me when I’m sick? To grab me a pair of socks when they run to the bedroom to get theirs? To send me cute little texts or instant messages? To see how my spirit is doing throughout the day?”

*silence*

I lose all control. I rush toward her. I fall to my knees. I put my hands on her. I rub my fingers over her name. I trace the date of her birth with my pointer finger and carry it over to the date of her death. I run my fingers over the inscription I picked out to carve on her headstone. I look up and curse God. I see a plane cutting through the clouds. What I would do to be on that plane full of strangers!

“Why did you have to leave me? Like this? In this place?”

My nails scrape and grind her marker. It sounds like a rake dancing on a chalkboard.

“We were supposed to do this together! There was no ’till death do us part’ because we were going to evacuate our bodies at the same time!”

*silence*

“I miss you! I miss you so damn much. I miss hearing you breathe. I miss hearing you laugh. I miss you giving me a hard time over the smallest of things.”

*silence*

I pound my fists on the earth.

“I’ve almost forgotten how you smell even though I still haven’t washed your pillow.”

*silence*

“I would do anything to have you back. Anything! If I had to give my life just to have one more day with you, I would do it. I would take you to the tallest mountain overlooking the ocean. I would lay my head in your lap. I would stare at your face. I would make you laugh. I would touch you. I would die a thousand deaths just to have that one day. That one moment.”

*silence*

I lean and put my forehead against her headstone. I grab both sides of the marble marker. Tears run down my cheeks and drip onto the flowers that I brought her.

“Please come back! Please! I know you can hear me!”

*silence*

“Sometimes, things creak in our studio apartment. Sometimes, I feel a cold draft. One of our pictures tipped over the other day. I know you can hear me, baby! Please!”

*silence*

I wipe my hands over my cheeks. I know if anybody sees me then they are going to judge me. Then again, I am in the middle of a large city cemetery. I realize we are all ghosts of the future. The entire earth is nothing more but a graveyard of restless souls.

“Baby, just one more day! One more hour! One more kiss! Please, please, please, don’t disappear on me like this!”

*silence*

“I’m begging you, baby, please!”

*silence*

“The memories! The pictures! Your clothes! Everything! Please let this be a bad dream! Please let me wake up and you be there, rolling me over to hold you. Let me rub my fingers across your cheek one last time. Just one more smile! That’s all I want.”

*silence*

“Baby, can you hear me?”

*silence*

“Baby?”

*silence*

“Don’t do this to me! I’m begging you!”

*silence*

The breeze rustles the heavy branches of the oak trees.

“Baby? Please!”

*silence*

“Not like this! Not to two lovers like us! It’s not fair! God, why?”

*silence*

“Come back home! I need you!”

The wind disappears. Everything is still in a cemetery park where Death has already claimed so many victims. The headstones are everywhere. I am the only one visiting.

“I promise this time will be different!”

*silence*

Tears jog down my tired cheeks. I beg and plead. The corners of my lips are foamy. Snot makes it hard for me to fully breathe through my nose.

“Come back! I beg you! I just want to hold you one last time.”

*silence*

“Please!”

Another plane flies overhead. Another car horn honks. A commuter train blows its whistle. Kids play and chase one another.

“Not like this! Not in this life! Not to me! Not to us!”

*silence*

“Baby? Can you hear me?”

*silence*

“God, take me and send her back! Please! I beg you!”

*silence*

I lean harder against her headstone. I grind my fingertips against it and grasp the marble as hard as I can. I feel like I’m free climbing an endless mountain.

“Come back to me!”

*silence*

I look around for her as the evening sun slowly turns into another long, restless night.

*silence*

I lay beside her new bed. I do not want her to be alone. I do not want to be alone. I look up at the stars. The first one starts to twinkle in the night sky. I know my angel has just turned on the front porch light to her new home in heaven.

*silence*

I close my eyes.

“Baby?”

*silence*

“I miss you!”

*silence*

“Baby?”

*silence*

“Can you hear me?”

*silence*

“Baby?”

*silence*

“I love you! I love you so, so much.”

*silence*


– Push Play below for this blog’s song

– Music is better with earbuds or headphones – Don’t believe me? – Challenge accepted –

– Enjoy this moment – You owe it to yourself –

– Feel free to share this blog post in your own way –

Seafret – Oceans

Photo by Rangga Aditya Armien on Pexels.com

2 Comments on “*silence*”

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