a note to self :

Hey,

you knew this day was going to come and it sucks to have to sit here and type the things you are about to have to read and dissect and reflect on for the millionth time in your life.

It gets old - I know. 

You expected this type of unselfish gloating from your inner being as you try to separate the truths of life from the lies of living.

You act surprised when you shouldn't.

You are a naked mannequin waiting to be dressed.

Then it begins again. You act and you try and you swallow and you act some more and you try even more and you swallow even more and all you are left with is the decaying aftertaste of how you felt one minute ago as it distracts you from how you really want to feel deep inside your soul. 

I will make this the underlining theme for a minute or two - you are flawed, so why do you expect everything else not to be?

You are imperfectly hopeful. 

You are an endless sunset that you wish you could freeze permanently and never have to darken because the moment is that perfect. 

The big and bright ever-changing moon phases makes you feel insignificant and that feeling makes you feel electromagnetic.  

You love, conditionally for some things, unconditionally for others, sometimes vice se versa when the circumstance needs to be the other way around, sometimes vice se versa even when the outcome backfires in your face leaving you looking like a burnt matchstick. 

Your paper heart is surrounded by constant rainstorms, wildfires, and unskilled origami artists. TM

Maybe you see too much good when there is none?

Maybe you see the bad first so when disappointment lets you down then you, yourself, will not be let down yet again and you can continue on and not have to take the minimal 'two steps back'. 

When you deserve gold medals and the only thing everyone else can reward you with is silver and bronzes, you shrug your shoulders, shake your head, take a deep breath, and clench your teeth together.

Where people constantly ignore, you give attention to...

...for free...

You disregard your disappointment continually and have been doing so for some time because nothing really surprises you in a world filled with... this... much... loathing selfishness...
...
blatant narcissism...
,,,
complete disrespect for your personal feelings as others tap dance on top of them...
...
... an injustice that goes on for years on end because, if you were the one committing the acts, your karmic punishments would have already rained down on your head while others continue to get away with their malfeasance.
...

(I take a step back from myself and my thoughts and let my pen and pad lead the way)

...
a note to self:
...  

But you really try, 
don't you?

You try and try and try...
and try some more...
then try even harder...
then try harder than the hardest of hards...
...
to please others before yourself...
...
to self sacrifice...
...
to go out of your way for the people that quickly ignore you and only pick you up when they see fit when other friends of yours are so much more deserving of your time, patience, and love...

You make sure the world stays warm in the love that you provide while you shake and shiver out in the cold... alone...
your pain...
their fuel...
a feeling that you have gotten used to...
...
and you turn it around on the world and start to feed off this feeling as you remember the strength you discovered while you stood in the cold, then you remember - Winter is your season of harvest, brave poor soul!

You find yourself overshadowed or forgotten or left out to dry or abused or taken advantage of again... and again... and again... never calling out or putting the troublemakers on spot for what they are because the more attention you give them is exactly what their call to business is centered around...

They can only feed on as much food as you give them...
...
...
Then you try some more - grin and bear, right?..
...
and you fail...
...
and you fail some more...
...
and then you succeed...
...
then it all begins again...
...
a vicious cycle that is no longer threatening if you already expected it in the first place...
...
and the answer was there all along : ignore and carry on because there are better things ahead than there are behind... or at least we hope so...
...

(I step back into my self and continue jotting with my pen and pad) 

...
a note to self:
...

Life is too short to be disrespected by anyone for years on end.

Life is too short to not laugh more than you cry.

Life is too short to not make genuine memories to help erase the genuine mistakes.

Life is too short to put your entire soul into something that doesn't care about you and would throw you under the bus to preserve their status or because they can no longer feed off of you when the best advice is to pull the plug and quit being their life support when you, yourself, are barely breathing.

Life is too short to not have deep, meaningful conversations from time to time, conversations that make you feel something and move you and stay in your head for days. 

Life is too short to waste on people who suck in a metaphorical kind of way. 

Life is too short to not chase your dreams regardless if there are more losses than wins.

Life is too short to live more unhappy days than happy ones.

Be like a beaver : build a big 'I don't give a damn' and keep chewing down those trees. The water will find a way... Always has... I promise... Keep chewing... 
...

(I tap the non writing end of my pen on my chin and continue thinking before finishing my rainy day reminders.)

...
a note to self:
...

I am flawed, but so are they, and that's okay.

Where most friends forget, there are three or four who will always, ALWAYS, remember you for you and will be there no matter what and you should love them and hold them and keep them close and check on them regularly and never let them stray and tell them to not let you stray and grow old with the relationship you have even if distance is between you and you should thank God, the universe, the whatever, that they are in your life and have a purpose there.
 
Forge into the distance, tired, weary, beaten, wandering, forgotten, ignored, lost, found, indecisive, flawed, exhausted, hopeful, happy, angry, life trodden soul...
...
FORGE! - I tell you.
...
...forge...
...

Rest when you need it. Love even when you don't deserve it. Laugh all the time. Shower at least once a week. Repeat this process. If this doesn't work, focus on your metaphysical self and pull back the veil from your eyes. If that doesn't work, check into getting prescribed some Xanax. If that doesn't work - I'm sorry, you're kind of screwed for the moment. 

When in doubt - don't - because a person who plays the indecisive swerving steering wheel game with a squirrel that scurries in front of your car will eventually end up in a ditch and there are more than enough uninsured squirrels in the world to plow over and squish one or two here and there, especially if you're the one paying taxes to drive on the road and all they are doing is chewing on an acorn or some other nutty BS and are in your way in the first place.
...

(My pen is running out of ink so I dab it on the end of my tongue because for some reason we all think that works)

...
a note to self : 
...

If you hate yourself, do not look into the self checkout camera, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, EVEN AT YOUR GREATEST PEAK.

If you love yourself, do not look into the self checkout camera, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, EVEN AT YOUR GREATEST PEAK.

It's okay to constantly work on yourself and become the best version of yourself as long as you do not hurt anyone else in the process.

One of the most beautiful things in this world is called peace of mind. 

Again, I repeat : ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THIS WORLD IS CALLED PEACE OF MIND. 

Treat life like Santa. Whatever falls in your lap may not always make sense when it speaks. Just listen, smile, nod, and carry on until the next thing makes its wish to your fictional being. It's all make believe anyway, right? There are Marlboros, Hennessey, and CBD gummies waiting for you in your 1999 Dodge Stratus. 

If everything you see is negative, maybe everything you see is not the problem. TM

Marinate on that last one for a minutes or two... but not too long...
...

(I shake my pen violently because it's failing me and my time is short)

...
a note to self:
...

You got this.
 
I promise. 

I've survived little pieces of hell on this beautiful planet... so can you...  

As cliche as it sounds, everything you were destined to be you were already born with and have acquired through experiences and watering your roots when they became dry...
...
...
Access the inner you. 
...
Nurture it.
...
Be patient with it.

...

Your bloom is on the way.
...
I promise!
...
And the snow will fall...
...
...
and it will be beautiful...
...
...
just like you have always imagined it...
...
...
you'll see...

They Live…