Why is a good decision hard to make? Tell me, please! Or is it not really that difficult and my mind is just playing tricks on me yet again?
On the other hand, why does it seem like a bad decision is so easy to make? I try to think if there was ever a point in time when these two statements were the other way around – a good decision being easy and a bad decision being hard.
Has it ever been that way when looking back at your life or do I have this all wrong?
Since I burned my foot at my workplace (feel free to click and read “Don’t Look Down” : an unfortunate allegory ), I’ve been faced with many life changing decisions. There have been more life altering scenarios in the past four months of my life than there has been in the past four years.
I find myself asking myself, ‘what is really going on here?’
I’ve struggled financially since my accident. Workers compensation only pays out but so much, and the reduced work hours as part of my treatment plan has put a strain on me and my family’s livelihood. A factory slash production environment is not ideal for an adequate healing process when it comes to an injured foot and that’s no fault to anyone considering the bills continue to come in whether you are working or not.
All these events have led me to what I call ‘the right now’, and I know I cannot be the only one who faces a current struggle?
We cannot be the only ones?
Since the injury, we have sold our house, moved our stuff into a temporary hold, and momentarily resettled at my wife’s childhood home.
I looked over at her while we were eating dinner one night. Our son was in his highchair watching Super Simple Songs on his tablet, smiling and bobbing his head to the lighthearted tunes. Me and my wife were exhausted, tired, and beaten by life. Our world had been turned upside down even though we were still doing better than the vast majority of current strugglers. Me and her did not know which way to turn even though we were in possession of the greatest thing that would get us through any jumbled mess life would throw our way – we had one another.
We had unconditional love.
We had support from family and friends.
We had faith, whether shaken or not, because faith that is not tested is not faith, or at least that is what I believe.
We had good health even though we had most recently fought our first bout with Covid and survived to tell the tale of what it truly does to your body. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to those that have suffered this horrible flu-like disease, especially those individuals that have lost someone to this horrendous contagion.
Over this specific dinner, I looked over at my wife and asked, “did you ever think you would be living back at your old childhood home, letting your kid live and sleep in your old room while we reground ourselves?”
She smiled and shook her head left to right.
“No. I never thought this would be happening. It honestly feels kind of weird.”
I shook my head up and down in agreement. I forked some salad around in my bowl, pushed a ranch covered pecan to the side, and thought about what to say. I had no appetite. Emotions had never been this high for us in quite some time, probably since our newborn son was airlifted to another hospital’s NICU two days after his birth (feel free to click and read Why Ask Why?).
“Well, maybe all of this is for some unknown reason. Hindsight, right?”
She pushed a string bean to the side of her plate. I continued with my previous statement because that is what a husband is supposed to do in this type of situation. Right? When I need a break, she is my rock. When she needs a break, I am her rock. When we both need a break, we rest on the Rock of Rocks.
Through this experience though, and with great skill and practice, I have come to realize that you can be a constant and a variable at the same time, strange as that may seem and, sometimes, the best way to avoid an explosion is to diffuse the problem before it has a chance to fragment.
I spent some time in thought before I spoke.
“Listen… You and your son are making memories at your old home place, something that most people, most families, never get a chance to do. So just think of it like that. Let’s absorb the power in that premise. Your son is getting a chance to experience how his mother grew up, riding the golf cart around the farm, looking at the cows, smelling the hogs, chasing away the summer time gnats from your ears, nostrils, and eyes, making special memories while we actually have the chance to. A lot of people are not fortunate enough to have both sets of parents living in a two mile radius.”
As I’ve already told you in previous posts, my beloved readers, my undying hope is either my biggest strength or my greatest weakness, so this pep talk should be of no surprise. Sometimes, in my weakest points, I feel like I’ve failed my faith. It’s at those moments that I start to look for my own personal pep talk from whoever is sent to me in my time of intervention.
At other times, when I face the most adversity I have ever seen, I hold my ground amidst the oncoming waves. Fight or flight. Stand or fall. Being strong when you want to stick your head in the sand and be a coward.
Decisions, my current strugglers, I desire the good kind. You know? I need to make the ones that have positive results. I want to be appreciated for what I have to offer. I want to be surrounded by good people, people who want you to better your life and be a witness to that and it inspire them. In retrospect, I want to witness others around me grow and be inspired by their transformation as they become the best version of their self.
If we do not desire those things for ourselves and others then what are we truly doing here in this moment together?
A life lived by everyone else’s open ended promises leaves you feeling that exact way.
I love to be inspired. I want to grow, continually. I still haven’t given up on my dreams and I refuse to do that despite any setbacks that lay in front of me. I still haven’t given up on myself, even though abandoning oneself’s metaphysical spirit seems easier to do than facing your inner demons.
As of late when it comes to decisions, when it comes to me – a current struggler, I have accepted a new job in another state. My current job was aware of my intentions and current financial hardship when it involved my work related injury and the type of production work they require from their workers. I told my managers that I had applied for another job. The new place of employment wanted me to come to their office and try out since I already had a decade plus years of experience in this particular field. They supported my decision.
I was able to secure the job for me and my family and my new way of life and turned in a very short notice so I could start my new job and bring more physical, mental, and financial stability to me and my family. Management ultimately told me to drop off my keys as soon as I got back into town and not to worry about serving out my last couple of shifts.
That was that.
I was able to tell my production team a final goodbye, something I wanted to do considering I had been in the trenches with them through a lot of good days and some extremely bad ones. I handed the keys off to our Human Resources Officer, and he was professionally understanding and supportive of my decision even though the notice was short. Others that I was not able to see before I left have texted me and their unconditional love is much appreciated in times like these. I will greatly miss them.
Just like that, a decision was made by a current struggler and a new chapter in my life had begun.
I hope this is the right decision for me and my little tribe. I feel like it is, you know? It will be a far better work environment for my new and improved foot. I will be working a four day work week and have normal working hours, a set schedule, and have all major holidays off without having to use PTO.
This new job will provide far more opportunities for me to grow as a person. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me at my age and not too far from the place where me and my wife grew up in case we want to drive home. There are far more pros than cons, and I guess I could sit here all day and second guess myself or I could accept this blessing for what it is and hope that the guidance, intuition, and spirit that fills our sails is the type of wind that pushes our boat forward rather than around in circles.
Decisions. Good or bad?
Have you ever faced a big life changing decision? God only knows I’d love to hear a version of your story and ask you questions so I would not feel alone when it comes to all these rampant thoughts rushing through my brain at the current moment.
The dust will settle before long. Right?
The wave will go back out into the ocean and be replaced by another, right?
You should never have to apologize for bettering yourself. Right?
You should never have to feel ashamed for making the most out of your life, short notice or not, right?
You should never have to put your life on hold when there is no time better than now, right?
Then why should I?
Why should you?
I’m tired of this premise of merely ‘surviving’.
I’ve done that long enough.
How about you?
I’m ready to start living.
What do you think, my current strugglers?
Where do you stand?
Even though it might be another long shot, I have entered my upcoming short film sequel titled Inside Out (feel free to click and read My Second Short Film Trailer + Delayed Premiere) into two more film festivals before its release at the end of the summer / beginning of the fall. I already received one strike from an in-state film festival and I’m allowing myself three since I have to pay for each submission.
The other two entries went to New York and California.
Wish me luck!
Regardless of the outcome of these ventures, I am really excited about this new film, it’s message, the work that went behind it, and the conclusion it will bring to this specific story. It has been an awesome experience.
On another added note, I have entered my free verse poem The Winter Hawk (feel free to click and read) into the Tom Howard/Margaret Reid Poetry Contest hosted by the Winning Writers resource agency. I will hopefully know the results by the end of the year. I’ve received a lot of positive feedback concerning this writing so I felt the urge to go ‘to the edge and back, one word at a time.’
You miss one hundred percent of the shots you do not take, right?