I Can’t Even

This blog post is complete and utter chaos.

Consider yourself warned.

Let’s begin!

I know everything about nothing
and not a thing about something!

My job is not important if I
make it that way.

You know what?
You whine more
than a whine's whine.

My neck is tired.
From looking down.
At the television.
Aimed at my feet.

You can put some in some
and some in the other.

There is only one kind
of apples that are cool.
Dem Apples!

Have you ever heard someone
say that 'the people
will come out of the
woodworks', and you're
left thinking, huh?
What does that even mean?

Why does something cost
an arm and a leg?
How does that work?
If it costs two arms,
it would be hard to hug.
Not worth it.
If it costs two legs,
it would be hard to slow dance.
Not worth it.
And in all honesty,
they would still fight
you over your 
disability allowance.

If you used to could,
can or will you ever
still be able to?

Me and my wife have
this game where
we do not fart in
front of one another, 
even though some do
squeak out from 
time to time,
not the silent but deadlies
or the bedtime crop dusters
but the still, abrupt honkers 
or the porcelain bowl echoers,
so if this happens 
we put it on 
our mental scoreboard,
and she is losing
the multi year matchplay 
miserably because I
make sound effects to
cover mine up, 
and I've gone to 
the lengths to 
write the toots I catch 
with my ear on our calendar for
referencing just to prove her 
wrong when we debate the score 
throughout the year.

All of that was a lie.
Did you believe it?
Welcome to the News.

Some of you probably think
it is systematically sexist 
since I do not equally pay 
the woman for her farts 
and racist because she is white
and I'm okay with that because
global warming has proven that 
all farts are equal and 
should be taken seriously,
especially cow, factory, and
automobile farts.

Somebody called me a 
cracker the other day
and I was left thinking, 
who doesn't like Saltines
when you're feeling
down and out?
Crackers are delicious
and very good with 
soup and cheese balls, so think
twice before slandering me
with a stereotype that fits.

Y'all and y'alls cold feet.

He's doing his
wake up 
nap time
thing right now. 

If cookies bake
shouldn't we call
them bakies?

Can you be high
as a kite
if the wind's 
not blowing?

You don't have to agree
with an issue just 
because they want to
force it on you.
Same goes for them and
your issues too.
If we focused more on 
turning issues into
tissues then we'd have
more things to blow our
nose into rather than
having to pick the bat
out of the cave with an 
un-sanitized finger, slowly
flicking the cliff hanger into 
a cold, dark, recessed corner
of someone else's house.

It would be epically 
cool to be shucking 
corn and say,
"aww shucks."

If oranges were any 
other color but orange,
what then?
What happens next?

I never understood
lemonade stands.
Is a quarter pound of 
bitter water worth pushing
that hard on street sides?

If Peter Piper
picked a peck
of pickled peppers,
what would happen
if Piper pickled
picked a peck 
of Peters while picking
pipered pickles of
peppers while pickling a 
pick of pecks of
Pipered Peppers
while peckers picked
a pick's peck of Petered 
Pipers while peckering the
pickle picking Peppers.

Nobody cares about your peppers, 
Peter!
Nobody!
They never have.
And for that, my sorry feels sorry
for the sorry you never received!

The lamb in
Mary Had A Little Lamb 
had attachment issues and 
was a narcissist.
Poor girl never got off
or had free time to herself 
with that lamb always 
dragging around.

"Lingerer... Lingerer!"

Make gaslighting illegal,
especially if a kid
is involved!

Random English words,
that could go either way.
Butthole.
Drizzle (cool DJ name).
Moist.
Mayonaise (just ewww!).
Head.
Funnel Cake.
Pussy... 
...
cat... (see - told you!)
Pickles (ewww times two!).
Hard.
If.
America (God bless it).

My jazz name would be
Muddy Biscuits.

I don't know every
answer you need,
all I know is that
you have to breathe
before you can
breathe and you
cannot breathe and
swallow at the same time
so choose wisely and
surprise me this go round
and let's make this exciting.

Pretzels are good
until you get to
like the fourth one
and then they start
to suck regardless if they 
are honey wheat or not. 

Would Humpty Dumpty's
life been better
if he had never
sat on that wall
and smoked crack? 

In the South,
if you 'git sumthin good'
in the past tense,
did you gatted it or 
gitted it?
Can something be the past
tense of itself?

A white crayon is the
least used and is
only truly effective
on black construction paper,
which is also the least used.
What does that tell us?
What is Crayola really up to?

#whitecrayonshasfeelingstoo

#blackpaperhasfeelingstoo

If you are a con artist
and you make a 
'pros and cons' list, 
do you want more cons
than pros?

If you read red like you're
supposed to read it, then red 
reads like read when red is 
really reads reading read
and not red reading read's read.

Why are we asking
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star 
what it is when
we already know?
What a waste of time!

Do any of us know 
what we're really
doing here, 
or,
is it all just
pretend?

Crypto - Common Sense.
Now that I can get behind
and invest in. 

When's the last time you
delivered a couple of 
heart felt spanks to 
your own backside or
someone else's?

Opposites only attract
on magnets, rarely
on people, unless
that person is a magnet,
then it might work.

An eye for an eye
does not make
the entire world blind. 
It makes it even and
creates a population of
winkers and pirates, except
for that one person who
decides to move to Antartica 
and live in drama free isolation.

"Hello, little penguin."
*penguin sound*
(whatever that sound is).
*meep* "... slide ..."

Is it okay if
I look at your face
without signing a 
consent form?

I always forget that
I'm going to 
forget something. 

If two people give
each other the middle
finger in unison,
are they both agreeing?
And why does the 
middle finger make 
us so angry?
Where's the beef,
simple hand gesture?

Her floor is so clean, 
it's like she's
vacuuming vacuum tracks
with vacuuming tracks.

Here comes the rain again...
Eurythmics.

If you're
'smart as a whip'
or
'dry as a bone',
what happens if you are
dumb and wet and want
to eat cereal for dinner?

The clothes you wear
at bedtime -
is it pronounced 
'Puhjamas'
or 
'Pajamuhs'?

You know what's
better than S'mores?
Making smore s'mores!

What level of illusion
do we currently
live in?

Someone said that the
smallest hurts hurt
the worst.
If that is true,
then what do a bunch of 
big hurts do?

Does a board ever get
bored of being abroad
with other bored broads?
Or will a board ever get
abroad of being aboard
with other broad boards
being bored with boards?

Go re-read (reed) that
paragraph up above!
Are you sure you read (red) it
write or did you read (reed) it 
right after you finished and
I told you to go check yourself.

Enjoy your shade while 
you still can!

"Where's the grits at,
babe," I ask while 
looking in the pantry?
-
"You probably threw 
them away like you do
everything else in this house," 
she replies.
-
*I shake my head*
-
"Instead of condesating,
can you just help me
look instead... 
oh...
wait... 
here they are...
behind your fifty cases of 
Pepperidge Farm Dark Chocolate 
Pecan Nut Cookies...
Thanks for having faith in me, babe!"

True story!

If we slurp hot soup and coffee,
why do we sip cold slurpees?

There has to be a way
to make good ranch
dressing without using
mayonaise or a way to turn
pickles back into cucumbers, 
especially if we can put 
a McDonald's on the moon... 
There just has to be a way...
Right?
Or is this asking too much.

When's the last time you
watched Forest Gump,
chopped wood,
or accidentally ran over a
squirrel or bird in your car,
truck, or Razor scooter?

I think we should carbon date
everything, starting with air,
gravity, light, sound, and, 
next, without a doubt,
carbon date carbon dating.
Sounds like a GREAT use of
public and private funds.

I mean...
are we that desperately
looking for end of the year
write offs, people?

As long as your boss, 
that never shows up to work or 
acknowledges you when he walks through,
gets a new $85,000 truck, 
right?

During the Triassic period,
when George Washington
crossed the Mississippi,
during the Korean War,
when Pluto used to be a planet,
Captain Jack Sparrow would 
not have been able to deliver 
the bricks to help build 
the pyramids if it were not 
for Morse Code, because dinosaurs 
are really real and cool and 
not just made up so we can pay 
people to play in the sand all day,
the monstrous beasts' decaying 
bodies being the very essence 
behind Starbucks Vanilla Bean coffee,
Dominos' Cinnadots, and humus.

True story!
Like, for real!
Thank you News Station One for being
honest with me last night!
Let me share that ASAP and believe
it without a single question!

Have you ever watched
people in their 
natural environments while
a government issued pigeon
or bumblebee drone recorded you?

Sometimes I wish I could
turn people into smooth
stones, skip them across 
a pond, and say,
"wow... that was a good one!"

Some days, I wonder if all
the letters of the alphabet 
are even worth my time
anymore.
Then, I remember a double u  
is really a double v.

Poor V's!

I feel so sorry for a V
that isn't used like it
should be.

If you eat a lot of beef,
is there any need to drink milk 
to get our daily dose
of calcium?

They say that the continents 
are slowly drifting apart 
and I'm like, 
'how can they do that',
if our globe is flat
and our moon is a
hollow death star, so we
should definitely look
for water on Mars and put
a 5G antenna on Uranus?

How cool would it be if
Uranus was brown.
Not my anus or your anus
but Uranus.

Why so serious,
Planet Earth?

Why is rambling so bad 
if we are in search of
something we need
or are looking for and,
in the process, we
discover something along
the way that we had 
misplaced and we fixate 
on that thing and then 
we cannot remember what we 
were looking for in 
the first place.

Who's the first person that
said, 'man, dat chicken be
lookin really tasty?
Bes git tuh pluckin it!'

When cavemen saw helicopters
for the first time,
I bet they were like,
"Grrrrrrhmmmm..."

Why do squeaky beds bother 
us so bad when we are 
in the middle of doing it?

Is it possible to gaslight
your own self?
I do this every day I 
show up to work on time.

Listening to music is 
better with headphones.
And ears.

What happens if we
dream in reality while
living in our dreams?

If you have to ask me
then guess.
If you do not know,
before you ask me,
remember to guess.
Continue this process until
the day after yesterday's
tomorrow.

I'm really not trying to
waste your time right now...
I'm just trying to 
nonsensically think out loud.
I promise!

How long is too long when
it comes to a blog post?

'All of mine,' you say?

Okay...okay...okay...

...I know...

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