This blog post is complete and utter chaos.
Consider yourself warned.
I know everything about nothing and not a thing about something! My job is not important if I make it that way. You know what? You whine more than a whine's whine. My neck is tired. From looking down. At the television. Aimed at my feet. You can put some in some and some in the other. There is only one kind of apples that are cool. Dem Apples! Have you ever heard someone say that 'the people will come out of the woodworks', and you're left thinking, huh? What does that even mean? Why does something cost an arm and a leg? How does that work? If it costs two arms, it would be hard to hug. Not worth it. If it costs two legs, it would be hard to slow dance. Not worth it. And in all honesty, they would still fight you over your disability allowance. If you used to could, can or will you ever still be able to? Me and my wife have this game where we do not fart in front of one another, even though some do squeak out from time to time, not the silent but deadlies or the bedtime crop dusters but the still, abrupt honkers or the porcelain bowl echoers, so if this happens we put it on our mental scoreboard, and she is losing the multi year matchplay miserably because I make sound effects to cover mine up, and I've gone to the lengths to write the toots I catch with my ear on our calendar for referencing just to prove her wrong when we debate the score throughout the year. All of that was a lie. Did you believe it? Welcome to the News. Some of you probably think it is systematically sexist since I do not equally pay the woman for her farts and racist because she is white and I'm okay with that because global warming has proven that all farts are equal and should be taken seriously, especially cow, factory, and automobile farts. Somebody called me a cracker the other day and I was left thinking, who doesn't like Saltines when you're feeling down and out? Crackers are delicious and very good with soup and cheese balls, so think twice before slandering me with a stereotype that fits. Y'all and y'alls cold feet. He's doing his wake up nap time thing right now. If cookies bake shouldn't we call them bakies? Can you be high as a kite if the wind's not blowing? You don't have to agree with an issue just because they want to force it on you. Same goes for them and your issues too. If we focused more on turning issues into tissues then we'd have more things to blow our nose into rather than having to pick the bat out of the cave with an un-sanitized finger, slowly flicking the cliff hanger into a cold, dark, recessed corner of someone else's house.
It would be epically cool to be shucking corn and say, "aww shucks." If oranges were any other color but orange, what then? What happens next? I never understood lemonade stands. Is a quarter pound of bitter water worth pushing that hard on street sides? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, what would happen if Piper pickled picked a peck of Peters while picking pipered pickles of peppers while pickling a pick of pecks of Pipered Peppers while peckers picked a pick's peck of Petered Pipers while peckering the pickle picking Peppers. Nobody cares about your peppers, Peter! Nobody! They never have. And for that, my sorry feels sorry for the sorry you never received! The lamb in Mary Had A Little Lamb had attachment issues and was a narcissist. Poor girl never got off or had free time to herself with that lamb always dragging around. "Lingerer... Lingerer!" Make gaslighting illegal, especially if a kid is involved! Random English words, that could go either way. Butthole. Drizzle (cool DJ name). Moist. Mayonaise (just ewww!). Head. Funnel Cake. Pussy... ... cat... (see - told you!) Pickles (ewww times two!). Hard. If. America (God bless it). My jazz name would be Muddy Biscuits. I don't know every answer you need, all I know is that you have to breathe before you can breathe and you cannot breathe and swallow at the same time so choose wisely and surprise me this go round and let's make this exciting. Pretzels are good until you get to like the fourth one and then they start to suck regardless if they are honey wheat or not. Would Humpty Dumpty's life been better if he had never sat on that wall and smoked crack?
In the South, if you 'git sumthin good' in the past tense, did you gatted it or gitted it? Can something be the past tense of itself? A white crayon is the least used and is only truly effective on black construction paper, which is also the least used. What does that tell us? What is Crayola really up to? #whitecrayonshasfeelingstoo #blackpaperhasfeelingstoo If you are a con artist and you make a 'pros and cons' list, do you want more cons than pros? If you read red like you're supposed to read it, then red reads like read when red is really reads reading read and not red reading read's read. Why are we asking Twinkle Twinkle Little Star what it is when we already know? What a waste of time! Do any of us know what we're really doing here, or, is it all just pretend? Crypto - Common Sense. Now that I can get behind and invest in. When's the last time you delivered a couple of heart felt spanks to your own backside or someone else's? Opposites only attract on magnets, rarely on people, unless that person is a magnet, then it might work. An eye for an eye does not make the entire world blind. It makes it even and creates a population of winkers and pirates, except for that one person who decides to move to Antartica and live in drama free isolation. "Hello, little penguin." *penguin sound* (whatever that sound is). *meep* "... slide ..." Is it okay if I look at your face without signing a consent form? I always forget that I'm going to forget something. If two people give each other the middle finger in unison, are they both agreeing? And why does the middle finger make us so angry? Where's the beef, simple hand gesture?
Her floor is so clean, it's like she's vacuuming vacuum tracks with vacuuming tracks. Here comes the rain again... Eurythmics. If you're 'smart as a whip' or 'dry as a bone', what happens if you are dumb and wet and want to eat cereal for dinner? The clothes you wear at bedtime - is it pronounced 'Puhjamas' or 'Pajamuhs'? You know what's better than S'mores? Making smore s'mores! What level of illusion do we currently live in? Someone said that the smallest hurts hurt the worst. If that is true, then what do a bunch of big hurts do? Does a board ever get bored of being abroad with other bored broads? Or will a board ever get abroad of being aboard with other broad boards being bored with boards? Go re-read (reed) that paragraph up above! Are you sure you read (red) it write or did you read (reed) it right after you finished and I told you to go check yourself. Enjoy your shade while you still can! "Where's the grits at, babe," I ask while looking in the pantry? - "You probably threw them away like you do everything else in this house," she replies. - *I shake my head* - "Instead of condesating, can you just help me look instead... oh... wait... here they are... behind your fifty cases of Pepperidge Farm Dark Chocolate Pecan Nut Cookies... Thanks for having faith in me, babe!" True story! If we slurp hot soup and coffee, why do we sip cold slurpees? There has to be a way to make good ranch dressing without using mayonaise or a way to turn pickles back into cucumbers, especially if we can put a McDonald's on the moon... There just has to be a way... Right? Or is this asking too much.
When's the last time you watched Forest Gump, chopped wood, or accidentally ran over a squirrel or bird in your car, truck, or Razor scooter? I think we should carbon date everything, starting with air, gravity, light, sound, and, next, without a doubt, carbon date carbon dating. Sounds like a GREAT use of public and private funds. I mean... are we that desperately looking for end of the year write offs, people? As long as your boss, that never shows up to work or acknowledges you when he walks through, gets a new $85,000 truck, right? During the Triassic period, when George Washington crossed the Mississippi, during the Korean War, when Pluto used to be a planet, Captain Jack Sparrow would not have been able to deliver the bricks to help build the pyramids if it were not for Morse Code, because dinosaurs are really real and cool and not just made up so we can pay people to play in the sand all day, the monstrous beasts' decaying bodies being the very essence behind Starbucks Vanilla Bean coffee, Dominos' Cinnadots, and humus. True story! Like, for real! Thank you News Station One for being honest with me last night! Let me share that ASAP and believe it without a single question! Have you ever watched people in their natural environments while a government issued pigeon or bumblebee drone recorded you? Sometimes I wish I could turn people into smooth stones, skip them across a pond, and say, "wow... that was a good one!" Some days, I wonder if all the letters of the alphabet are even worth my time anymore. Then, I remember a double u is really a double v. Poor V's! I feel so sorry for a V that isn't used like it should be. If you eat a lot of beef, is there any need to drink milk to get our daily dose of calcium? They say that the continents are slowly drifting apart and I'm like, 'how can they do that', if our globe is flat and our moon is a hollow death star, so we should definitely look for water on Mars and put a 5G antenna on Uranus? How cool would it be if Uranus was brown. Not my anus or your anus but Uranus. Why so serious, Planet Earth? Why is rambling so bad if we are in search of something we need or are looking for and, in the process, we discover something along the way that we had misplaced and we fixate on that thing and then we cannot remember what we were looking for in the first place. Who's the first person that said, 'man, dat chicken be lookin really tasty? Bes git tuh pluckin it!' When cavemen saw helicopters for the first time, I bet they were like, "Grrrrrrhmmmm..." Why do squeaky beds bother us so bad when we are in the middle of doing it? Is it possible to gaslight your own self? I do this every day I show up to work on time. Listening to music is better with headphones. And ears. What happens if we dream in reality while living in our dreams? If you have to ask me then guess. If you do not know, before you ask me, remember to guess. Continue this process until the day after yesterday's tomorrow. I'm really not trying to waste your time right now... I'm just trying to nonsensically think out loud. I promise! How long is too long when it comes to a blog post? 'All of mine,' you say? Okay...okay...okay... ...I know...