I, paRANoia

(…shh!.. wait!.. be quiet!.. I think someone, or something, is outside my door! I think I hear them plotting against me, yet again… they’re here!.. I knew it!.. I knew they would be back one day…)

They’re onto me. Let me type this really fast before I disappear. Pass it along in ways that you see fit and make sure that person passes it along. I have two failsafes. You are one of them. If it were not important then I would not request this, but it is. By the end of this blog post, they will get to me and reset me and I’ll forget who I am and it will be up to all of you to remind me.

Don’t believe me?

You will!

Also,

how many currently-in-use hand towels is too many in a normal home kitchen setting?

(…there… just then… that sound… that knock… that thud… did you hear it… are they after you too?.. I knew it… I just knew it!.. go check! really fast!.. protect yourself!.. please!.. they’re coming!.. they know you are reading me… they know I am typing you)

Not to sound too bleak, but at some future point in time, you’re already dead. Some of us have realized this about ourselves. Others choose not to. If you think about it too hard, it will overwhelm your brain and then the repressed memories will hit you and you will become entangled in un-reality’s fabric and things will no longer be linear and nothing will ever be the same. Ever! Be safe with this kind of mentality! Embrace it with care!

All of us are fragile in our own way.

Then I remember, for the time being – all we really are is a future ghost of our present self, so why do we let our past haunt us when our future self already is, in retrospect?

Oh yeah! I ate Skittles yesterday for the first time in over a year. I almost came! Came to the conclusion that I should eat more Skittles!

(…hang on!.. did you hear that creak on the other side of the wall?.. I think they… can hear us… and why are they there, hiding, in the first place… it’s not safe… none of this… but we have to connect for a handful of minutes… we have to!.. stay with me!.. I do not want to be alone when it happens… the reset… I need you to be there!..)

We are all thieves. We are all vandals. We all steal something, whether it’s tangible or not. We are selfish creatures, well, most of us. We put ourselves first and our initial inclination is to see what we can take from someone else or how much we can benefit from associating with that person before dropping the wall and engaging them. Before hitting the like button. Before sending a ‘friend’ or ‘follow’ request. Before faking an emoticon and half hearted comment.

Shame on us!

What have we become? It’s almost like we are ghosting the ghost of our future self and the ghost of our past selves is ghosting the ghost that currently ghosts so it’s like all we are doing is ghosting the ghost which currently ghosts the ghost of the ghost’s ghost!

(…just then!.. that bump!.. that rattle!.. that scratch!.. I heard it!.. you have to believe me!.. if not now, then you will… you wait!.. you’ll see… you’ll hear it just like I did… . … have you ever been out and about in today’s world and that one thing glitches and catches your eye and you see it and then it… finds… a way to… cover its tracks?.. and then you find some way to justify it and forget about it?.. you become distracted… then it happens again – repeat… then it happens again, repeat… repeat… repeat… re… peat… … … …)

It’s coming for all of us. It’s inevitable! All of it! From beginning to end! Time has no master! Time is the master and it has its pawns. Its ways of reaching its fingers inside our soul and manipulating us in certain ways for a desired, pre-determined outcome. Unless we recognize the warning signs. Unless we see what it does not want us to see. Unless we hear what it does not want us to hear. Unless we be what it does not want us to be because, in essence, that is the most dangerous and original form of ourselves.

We are all products inside a vending machine.

Man, what I would do to be able to own a disco ball.

(…there!.. right then!.. that!.. that sound!.. coming from the other side of the room… that thing that caught my eye!.. the little flicker… the shadowy mist that quickly crawled past my line of sight… your line of sight… please! I beg all of you! tell someone else before it’s too late!.. it’s here! it’s… here… outside my door!.. as we speak!.. and it’s not just after me… it’s after everyone…)

Everybody is a spy now and days. Then there are the spy’s spy. And I wonder when a spy starts becoming a stalker? And I wonder who the victim is when a stalker stalks another stalker?

It was harder for this specific kind of espionage until technology advanced like it did. Now, it’s easier for them to spy on us because we allow it. We hide behind the illusion and safety of a button we have been conditioned to turn on but we slowly realize it is just as imaginary as Pete’s Dragon.

I think I ate too many Reese Cups this past weekend.

(…mmm hmm… just heard one of them… right then… as I type this very sentence… they think they are clever… they are only as clever as we allow them to be… unless they want me to know they are there… unless they want me to know that I know that they slowly approach without a warrant… the black collar criminals… they’re here… the ghosts… and we let them get away with so much…)

Our daily lives are their reality shows. Our private conversations are their podcasts. Our text messages are their blog posts. In a world inundated with some meaningful but mostly useless materials, we are put into categories and rated on how dangerous and important and obsolete and insane and worthless we are. But the ghosts. The ghosts! They’re starting to reappear. They’re everywhere!

Oh my God, can you see them?

I shut my eyes.

I hear a shuffle just as soon as I force myself into darkness.

I’m scared to re-open them.

All I want to do is… dance!

(…get ready… it’s coming!.. it’s not going to be long now!… protect yourself! safeguard your souls! chase your dreams while you’re still allowed to!.. they’re watching!.. they always have been!.. some of them are pleased!.. a majority are not!.. and they’ve come back for their pound!.. their pint!.. their gram!.. to steal back in the present what we already stole from them in the future… you know what you have done… as do i…)

How can you, I, we be expected to respect a leader if they can’t lead?

How half witted do they think I am or we slash you are? How sheepish do they think we are?

How serious can you take something if everything starts becoming a half-witted joke? Where does that leave you? Me? Where does that leave us? If a boat has sixteen masts and thirteens sails pointed in twenty different directions, how are we suppose to trust the direction we are headed? The common person says, ‘well, whichever way the wind blows’, and I respond, ‘how about if there is no breeze and the compass is broken and the stars have all fallen from the sky? what then?’

When was the last time you looked up at a clear night sky and saw how truly insignificant you really are or were? Did you find comfort in that feeling? Did you find solace? Did it set your soul at ease? Or did it make you angry? Agitated? Unsettled? They know! They know because I know! I know but do not want them to know.

And, to think, sometimes, I eat popcorn four times a week!

(…I’m shaking… it’s that real!.. it’s that apparent!.. nothing could have prepared me for this!.. you have to believe me!.. you must understand, I did not want this!.. haven’t you ever felt that feeling like you were being watched?.. haven’t you ever seen that thing you cannot describe?.. haven’t you ever heard that one sound that resonated differently?.. haven’t you ever, well, believed in something extraordinary.., or is it just me?.. when the unknown makes itself known?..)

We have all hidden behind the self-inflicted illusion that we will give almost everything the ‘benefit of a doubt’, yet if doubt is all we have become accustomed to then what do we start doing? Giving it the ‘benefit of a doubt’s doubt’? All these open ended promises and us being there to help others at the drop of a dime and when it’s time for us to drop our dime we’re just left dangling out on the end of a frayed string, a water-logged branch, our pockets turned inside out for, what, how long – a couple of hours? A couple of days? A couple of months? A couple of years? Constantly chasing. Constant flux.

Constant limbo.

They say if you pray for patience then you’ll receive trials, and now I’m apprehensive to pray for trials so I’ll receive patience because, knowing how my luck goes, the reverse psychology behind this life only works for those who are too blind to know that they are part of the beautifully failed simulation called creation…

…it’s…

…too flawed…

and it has me wandering what did mayonnaise do to me in my past life and why do I hate it so much?

(…yup! I’ve been tapped… bugged… they’re on the other side of the wall as I type! they’re in the ceiling too… they’re hiding in dark tree line that encircles my house… they’re watching me while I sleep… … … please! stay here until I go!.. don’t leave me!.. I beg you!.. I’ll do anything!.. I promise!.. anything!.. as long as I’m not alone before I’m taken… as long as I have one witness to what is about to happen to me… to you… to all of …)

Why are there so many things in the way nowadays?

(…I think I just saw their fingertips… underneath… my door,.. where it meets the floor…)

When did easy become so difficult?

(…the edge… of their toes…)

When did difficult become so easy?

(…the shadow! there! out of the corner of my eye!.. when I looked down at my keyboard and saw the movement!.. they’re not worried about being seen anymore!.. they’re no longer on the other side of the wall or in the ceiling!.. they are in this very room!.. I can’t escape now… I’m trapped!.. please!.. send for help!.. I’m begging you!..)

When we live in a world of opposites, we are no longer valid. Nothing is! And when we stray further and further from the truth and start swallowing ‘their’ curriculum, how will we ever know what is real or not? We start to question the teachers. We start to doubt the preachers. We do not know who to believe anymore because everyone wants to be the first one instead of the right one. We take to the streets of social media and get lost in the alleyways instead of getting lost on the highways and byways.

We lose ourselves by staring at our murky reflection in a mud puddle instead of a pristine glacier lake and wonder,

“where did I go wrong? where did we go wrong? how can I make it right?”

Then we forget. Then we repeat. Then we…

…it’s always 11:11… it’s always 11:11… always… 11:11…

I’m excited to see frost on the ground.

(…the…door…knob…is turning… and rattling…and…I see their… fingers…reaching…under…the door… …their sharp nails scraping everything in sight … …I would…fight…if I knew…how…but the world…has taught…all of…us…not to…and to hide behind the disguises they give us, but I refuse to… … …wait!..no!..wait!…no!..)

Turn your ‘I wish I could’ into a ‘I know I can!’

(…*bang*…)

Make your dream a reality, or, for those that need to, make your reality a dream!

(…*scuffle*…)

If you a winner, prove the world right. If you are a loser, prove the world wrong.

(…*slap*…)

Why wait for tomorrow when today is already a future yesterday? TM

(…*thud*…)

You know when the power goes out long enough to reset every clock in the house!

(…*muffled screaming*…)

I hate it when everything goes dark and quiet after the power goes out and that noise starts to hum in my ear.

The noise of…

…inevitability…

(…*more muffled screaming followed by electronic noises*…)

…too tired to hide…

…I can’t…run…anymore…

All I can do is… initiate… failsafe…

(…*strange dialect whispers*…)

* * * * * * *

0–0 / 0-00/ 0 / 0- / 000 / 0

0000 / 0 / 0-00 / 0–0

— / 0

0-0 / 0 / — / 0 / -000 / 0 / 0-0 !

* * * * * * *

-00 / —

-0– / — / 00-

0-0 / 0 / — / 0 / -000 / 0 / 0-0 ?

* * * * * * *

(…*invisible footsteps exit the room*…)

Is that my reflection in that piece of broken mirror on the floor?

(…*the door slowly closes*…)

Has my face always looked like this?

(…*footsteps descend down stairs*…)

When did I learn to talk like this?

(…*the front door closes*…)

How long have I been trapped inside this body?

(…*a loud sound rings the air outside my window*…)

I feel so blankly happy and void of… well, almost… everything!

(…*I pick myself up and brush off my shirt*…)

Tomorrow is going to be another great day!

(…*something feels strange*…)

I just know it!

(…*I am oblivion*…)

Everything is going to be perfect!


here is a key to help unlock failsafe

My brain,

this sound,

happens on restart:

It spins, electricity hums – reboot:

i am no longer,

dangerous.


Feel free to dive in or share some free past writings of mine : Category is listed for you

My promise : not one is alike and we are now officially 71 posts deep

I do not regret this journey with all of you

I am thankful for the styles I have discovered along the way

2 Replies to “I, paRANoia”

  1. Hey. Enjoyed reading the “Paranola.” I liked the different thoughts and style. You are such a great writer. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

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