Unusual Obit

Creative ways to die in the twenty first century, if you are looking for a more artistic way to go –

Death by Sex (great band name as well too), Obit reads, “He Gave Life Everything He Had and Enjoyed the Ride!”

Death by Eating Ice Cream, Obit reads, “Man Dies With A Spoon in His Hand. It Was Cold, Not Bent.”

Death by Being Jabbed by Bottlenose Dolphins, Obit reads, “The Attack was Vicious but the Sounds were Delightful.”

Death by Eating Sushi, Obit reads, “Rainbow Rolls Man into Eternity.”

Death by Quitting Your Job, Obit reads, “Man Finally Frees Himself… from Slavery.”

Death by Coffee, Obit reads, “One Hell of a Hazelnut Cup!”

Death by Working Hard for Little Pay, Obit reads, “Who Needs Three Vacation Homes on Earth When You Can Have a Mansion in Heaven?”

Death by Hummingbirds, Obit reads, “He was Shanked by the Spear of a Tiny Helicopter and Never Saw It Coming.”

Death by Living Life Like You Were Meant To, Obit reads, “She Finally Lets Go… of Everything!”

Death by Good Music, Obit reads, “He Used to Burn CD’s for People. Now, His Soul is Burning… Burning Bright in Heaven!”

Death by Orgasm, Obit reads – “Her Legs Shook Until They Could Shake No More.”

Death by Cotton Candy, Obit reads – “He Went With Sticky Fingers.”

Death by Puppy Dogs, Obit reads – “One Cuddle Too Many!”

Death by Narcissism, Obit reads – “She Loved Herself First Because She Was the Only Thing That Mattered on Planet Earth and Was Never Wrong… About Anything… Ever!”

Death by Baby Giggles, Obit reads – “The Chuckles Were So Worth It!”

Death by Vacation, Obit reads – “Having Time Off was Too Much for Him to Handle!”

Death by Making Too Much Money, Obit reads – well, it doesn’t matter because this scenario will never happen. For anyone. Ever. The root of all evil is too great!

Death by Happiness, Obit reads – “Everything was Going Good Until It Started Going Even Better!”

Death by Mayonnaise and Pickles, Obit reads – “The Two Worst Things in the World Just Became Even More Worsterer.”

Death by Toilet Paper, Obit reads – “One Wipe Too Many.”

Death by Funnel Cakes, Obit reads – “Man Overdoses On Too Much Powder… Sugar, We Mean!”

Death by Doughnuts, Obit reads – “Chocolate Covered Creme Puffed into Eternity!”

Death by Sarcasm, Obit reads – “Thank you, Death! Really! I Mean It, ole Chap. You’re the Greatest! Right On Time, As Usual. Just When Everything was Going Good. So Perfect… Yes!”

Death by Halloween, Obit reads – “His Life Was All Tricks and a Few Treats!”

Death by Working Too Hard, Obit reads – “He Worked For Little When He Could Have Worked for Far Less?” (I once heard someone say that they made so little wage that they actually owed the company money at the end of their pay period.)

Death by Living, Obit reads – “After Fooling Death by Living, He Fooled Living by Dying!”

Death by Death, Obit reads – “Got Ya, Sucker!”

Death by Nakedness, Obit reads – “He Bore It All Until the Very End!”

Death by Erection, Obit reads – “Life for Him Was Hard, Even When It Wasn’t!”

Death by EDM music, Obit reads – “The Beats Dropped, As Did His Pulse!”

Death by Basketball, Obit reads, “Game Over, Squeaky Shoes – Your Court Is Now on the Golden Streets in Heaven.”

Death by Rain Showers, Obit reads, “He Left the Way He Wanted – Wet!”

Death by Shopping, Obit reads, “Her Life and Wallet Had One Thing In Common – No Limits!”

Death by Magic, Obit reads, “One Word Describes His Passing – Abracadabra!”

Death by Sitcoms with Mechanical Laughter after Every Punchline, Obit reads, “The Show Sucked, Even When It Didn’t!”

Death by Tickles, Obit reads, “Her Body May Be Resting, but Her Soul Is Still Squirming.”

Death by Female/Male Strippers, Obit reads, “Why Put on a Fake Smile When You Can Slowly Take It Off?”

Death by Cake (food not band), Obit reads, “His Life Was Cut Short, Not By Flavors but By Time.”

Death by Cuss Words, Obit reads, “That Mother F***ing, Sonuvab**ch, Piece of Sh*t Passed Away Peacefully in His D*mn Sleep Because He Was a Dumb A**hole.”

Death by Potato Chips, Obit reads, “One Bag Too Many.”

Death by Global Warming, Obit reads, “You Think It’s Hot Here, Wait Until Your Soul Finally Makes It to Hell!”

Death by Nursery Rhymes, Obit reads, “None of It Makes Sense!”

Death by A Cool Breeze, Obit reads, “By the Time He Felt It, It Was Too Late.”

Death by Having A Somewhat Normal (when they want to be), Loving Family, Obit reads, “God… Thank You for All of Them! His Family Made His Life Worth It!”

Death by Loading the Dishwasher, Obit reads, “There Was Always Room for One More Dish, Even When There Wasn’t.”

Death by Carpet from the Late Eighties / Early Nineties, Obit reads, “Forever Irreplaceable, but, Damn!”

Death by Walmart, Obit reads, “He Rejected a Roll-back Hell on Earth for a Roll-forward Paradise in Heaven!”

Death by Speedos, Obit reads, “His Tan Lines were Too Perfect and His Package was Too Big, that Package Being His Throbbing Heart.”

Death by Bicycles, Obit reads, “She Went Out on Her Own Terms, with Her Favorite Thing Between Her Legs.”

Death by Netflix, Obit reads, “At Least He Did Not Have to Watch Commercials.”

Death by Wallpaper, Obit reads, “Why Stay and Hang Around When You Can Forever Go?”

Death by Chocolate Milk, Obit reads, “He Lived His Life Like He Liked His Milk – Cartoned, Dark and Sweet!”

Death by Politics, Obit reads, “Lay Your Lies Beside My Still Body So our Lies can Lie in Waiting and not Lay in Lying.”

Death by Time, Obit reads, “Hickery Dickery Dock.”

Death by Spa Treatments, Obit reads, “All He Wanted was a Happy Ending!”

Death by Pajama Pants, Obit reads, “Why Sleep All Night When You Can Sleep All Day too?”

Death by Astrology, Obit reads, “The Signs Were There and Pointed Her in the Right Direction – Her Eternal Home Beyond the Stars.”

Death by Subtitles, Obit reads, “Why Listen to a Movie When You can Read a Movie?”

* * * * * * * * * *

Now, of course, this post is insanely satirical, and in no way am I suggesting for you to go out and try to self inflict these methods of pleasure slash punishment upon yourself, even though I know a bunch of you can already relate to the underpaid and over-worked ways of death mentioned above.

Your life is important. You matter! If your mind has been wandering or you have been having thoughts that could bring harm to yourself, please, just take a minute to stop, breathe, find your comfort zone, and talk with someone if you cannot get out of your rut on your own. A lot of people would miss you if you were not here, so, stick around so you can live the life you were meant to live.

Family and real, genuine friends that are like family are here for you if you find yourself in a place that you cannot seem to get out of. You are special. You are loved. You are wanted. You are needed. You deserve to live an unmasked life to its fullest just like everyone else.

If you have any insanely satirical suggestions you would like to add to the list I have provided above, I welcome them in the comment section of this post. I look forward, with great anticipation, to what your creative minds can surmise and add to this lighthearted post.

Death by (insanely thought of thing), Obit reads, “If You Had To Go and Could Choose, How Would You Want To Leave This Earth?”

* * * * * * * * * *

Check out my podcast : Season 2 has officially started

Spotify, Apple, Google podcasters : search “vernonwrites”


In the last podcast of vernontalks Season 2, I welcome everyone back after a summer hiatus and reveal intimate details about the premiere of my second short film titled "Inside Out", the ending sequel to my first short film, "Upside Down". (both films can be located on my YouTube page '3 Castl3s Film').   After a year in which I : severely injured my foot in a work related accident in March, sold our home in July and moved a state away for a better job opportunity, then moved us back due to certain issues that arose and me securing a better job for me and my family back in our home state, needless to say I have a lot of things to chat about and discuss when it comes to life and its curveballs.  I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way and can only imagine the stories all of you could share with me.   Not only do I inspire myself by getting some verbal weight off my shoulders, but I hope my level headed revelations have some way of inspiring others who may be listening to my words.  I ask myself 'where to go from here?' and seriously contemplate out loud where that direction may be me for my life and my art (vernonwrites.com).  Where does destiny leads us if we let her? I guess there's only one way to find out.  I appreciate all of you. I hope all of your dreams are coming true. I hope you have great mental health and are in a place in your life where you are happy and content. Your time means the world to me, and I hope you never, ever feel like you are walking alone in this life.  You are not.  Trust me!
  1. Where To Go From Here?
  2. Don't Look Down
  3. Going Forward
  4. My Short Film Premiere
  5. I'm Not Happy
  6. Dreamcatchers
  7. Make A Night Out
  8. She's Far From Typical
  9. Bunnies, Bulls, and Bathtubs
  10. Southern Shadows Gothic

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